I recently quit my job. It was an unwavering voice of surety from inside me that suggested I quit my job of fifteen years. This voice seemed to have a plan for me. All I wanted to do was just trust the voice because I felt like I could no longer be “me” if I didn’t do what felt right to me.
This feeling of “feeling right” is a funny feeling because it comes with no plan. Nope! None at all. So basically, after I quit, I woke up every morning with no plan or routine. This felt perfect. It felt so right.
While this went on, I started playing with my curiosities. My mind started digging, questioning and wondering. It just wanted to know what happened. Why did I quit my job with which I identified so much. In fact, it started looking for identities. Something to attach itself to because that’s what it is used to. Like a motive, a purpose, a meaning. It could not find any. Then it did what its best at doing. Analysing the past and looking for clues. There came a realisation that my life was running on auto-pilot and that is what had to stop. It no longer wanted me to wake up to just to go for work, or meet friends, or go eating out or do house chores or look out for new adventures or experiences.
Instead, it just wanted me to sit and really “do nothing”.
Now it has been three months since I have actually been doing nothing. Still no routine and no plan. And it still feels so right.
This stillness and this emptiness feels right. It wanted me to come out of chaos and distractions that work, technology and social life throws at me or demands from me. It just wanted me to know that “I” exist. It wanted “me” to get out of “My” way. It just wanted me to give emptiness a chance. Because that is where life is. That is where “the real me” is and that is where my path is.
I do not know where my path is taking me. I do not have to know it now. I trust and embrace it in all its ambiguity and uncertainty. This is where I want to stay for now… in this “knowing” that I exist.
Pic : Taken at Daylesford Lake in April 2017.